- It may be difficult to take your teenager’s breakup seriously.
- Journalist Lisa Phillips wrote a book to show parents how to help their heartbroken teens.
- She said you need to validate their feelings and ensure they aren’t withdrawing.
When Lisa Phillips’ 13-year-old daughter started dating another person, the author and journalist became distressed. She wondered how this relationship — and eventual breakup — would affect her only daughter.
This led Phillips to write the book, “First Love: Guiding Teens Through Relationships and Heartbreak.” It’s aimed to help parents — like herself — navigate these new treacherous waters.
“Sometimes parents get caught up in what kind of relationship it was, saying, ‘Oh, it was just a crush,’ or ‘Oh, this was just this weird situation. You never really said that you were an official couple. So it’s probably good you can move on now,'” Phillips told Business Insider.
While that will be most parents’ gut reaction, it isn’t the best one. It can be difficult to manage your teen’s feelings through this difficult time, but it’s not impossible. Here’s how.
First, validate your child’s feelings
“If the heartbreak is happening, you want to validate it,” Philips said, emphasizing that validation is the most important thing a parent can do.
Teens need to hear from their parents that their grief matters and their breakup matters — even if it may seem trivial to you.
Dr. Maria Ashford, a psychologist who has years of experience working with teens, said she sees heartbreak as one of many factors that may be leading to an increase in anxiety and stress.
“Teens, in general, are more hesitant to share these types of vulnerabilities, but especially in an environment where they may be unsure of whether their feelings will be validated or what kind of response they get,” Ashford told Business Insider.
By validating their feelings, you’re showing your teen you want to be there for them and help them move on with their lives.
Help them take the next steps toward healing
Some heartbroken teens might want to talk about the breakup all the time. Phillips said it’s important that your teen doesn’t ruminate or stay stuck in negative thoughts about the breakup. Instead, they need the right guidance to get out of this loop.
Phillips recommended saying: “Alright, we’ve really talked about this a lot. I am worried your brain is getting worn out. Let’s think of one problem you can fix now.”
You can also ask them if there are other concrete ways to support them. For example, Philips said, helping them deal with how they’re going to work at their after-school job if that person is going to be there and coming up with strategies for them to talk to their boss to arrange different shifts.
What if your teen is hesitant to discuss their feelings with you?
Ashford said that if your adolescent isn’t talking to you about their feelings, you need to watch for behaviors like avoiding certain activities or social engagements. This may be a sign that they’re depressed.
Ashford said to check in with your reticent adolescent and suggested saying: “I know that you just went through something really tough, and when we go through these periods, it’s helpful to talk to someone about how we feel. I also know sometimes it can be hard to do that with parents, so I just want to make sure you feel you have someone you trust who you can talk to about these things.”
She also suggested you work together to find a therapist if they refuse to talk.
Remember, this is not about you
If you were close to your child’s ex, you may have feelings of loss and grief, but you have to find ways of dealing with that on your own.
Phillips also added that this is not the time to discuss your own breakup or your past romantic disappointments.
“Do not bring up your divorce — especially if it’s that child’s parent,” Phillips said. “That’s just really not OK. That stirs up all kinds of issues of loyalty.”
It’s most important to focus on your child at this time and what they need to get through the breakup.
“In this moment, your child needs to feel heard on the [issues] they’re dealing with in their life,” Phillips added.
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