- My husband and I have opposite organizational styles.
- I learned the hard way that pressuring him to change wouldn’t work.
- A home remodel forced us to face the clutter, and now, we communicate much better.
I consider myself a pseudo-minimalist. I don’t buy knickknacks when traveling, fill my home with extra furniture, or stock up on pantry, beauty, or toiletry supplies. I like having dresser drawers that close easily and bookshelves I can pull a novel from without four others toppling onto my head.
Now imagine the opposite of my personality in the clutter department, and you have my husband.
He’s a collector. He’s a saver of the socks I would throw out because they’re starting to get a small hole, of the hockey gear that goes unused, of extra dinnerware we don’t have room for.
So what are these two personalities doing living under one roof? Well, we love each other. And people do crazy things for love.
The difference between how we dealt with clutter took a toll
When we married and moved in together, the problem revealed itself in full. We had very different ways of organizing and even thinking about the items we bring — and keep — in our home.
I felt suffocated and panicked at the stacks, bags, and boxes of his things.
My attempts to purge items didn’t go well. I didn’t know how to be kind in my panic, and he didn’t want things to change.
Living with so much clutter affected my mental health. I felt the pressure of organizing so many things. It seemed impossible to make stuffed spaces look nice. Rooms felt cramped, every storage area overflowed, and our fights over the subject became caustic.
I knew it was time for a different approach. He had emotional attachments to things that I didn’t understand, but it didn’t mean I was right in demanding that they go.
Health and wellness consultant Michelle Porter told Business Insider, “Studies show that cluttered spaces elevate cortisol levels, the body’s stress hormone. For all household members, this can mean heightened irritability, difficulty focusing, and a reduced ability to relax.” In short, our stuff affects our health, and I needed to reduce our load.
Biopsychologist Mary Poffenroth explains why organizing shared spaces can be so difficult. “What one partner thinks is necessary organization, the other partner may see as a threat to their emotional safety and well-being.”
A remodel meant it was time for a new approach
During our recent kitchen remodel, I saw that even with the additional space provided by the new cabinetry, it still wasn’t enough for all the appliances and dishes he owned. I suggested we only keep what would fit into the new space. To my surprise and delight, he agreed. This made the getting-rid-of-things talks that followed easier because we’d both consented beforehand.
At the end of the remodel, we donated several boxes.
I felt empowered. High on the win, we implemented this same tactic in other areas by creating a “one in, one out” rule. If a new shirt comes into the house, he donates one. The same goes for other clothing items. And now, when he wants to buy a new appliance, he considers first if we have a space for it.
We now have a new way of talking about clutter
For items going unused, it takes a little more patience. I’ll bring up the item I’d like to discuss and the fact that it seems we don’t really need it. I use the word “seem” specifically so he can correct me if he is using it and I’m wrong. He usually replies with how he’s hoping to use the item soon and we agree to a timeline. Then, if it’s not used at least an agreed-upon number of times over the next year, we’ll sell or donate it.
Nowadays, our space is much more comfortable for me than when we first married. Decluttering our space will be an ongoing process as life and needs change, but we’ve learned how to talk through the “stuff” in a way that works for us both, and that’s the real success story.
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