- I’m a mom of two and a stepmom of three, and the last 20 years of parenting teens have taught me a lot.
- Connect with teens through music, food, and trying what they are interested in.
- Be supportive of them exploring new activities, new friends, and life after high school.
My youngest child is a junior in high school this year. As I picked them up from theater practice one day, it hit me: This would be it — the last time teaching someone how to drive, the last homecoming, the last school pick-ups and drop-offs.
We are a blended family with five kids. I am a stepmom of three. I have a 24-year-old son from my previous marriage, and the youngest is ours. We’ve done high school freshman orientations and graduation, proms, games, and college stress four times.
As I look back on the last 20 years of parenting high-school-aged kids, I realize these five very different people have taught me a lot.
Here are my eight tips for parenting teens that everyone should know about.
Snacks first, then questions
Maybe it’s the short lunch periods, lack of snack time, or all the growing, but teens always seem hungry.
When picking my teen up at the end of a long day, I always provide snacks in the car before asking about their day, their homework, or what they want for dinner. A hangry kid is harder to talk to.
Use music to connect
Music can be a conversation starter. Or a way to avoid the awkward silence when they’re too tired to talk. I learned to have a playlist they’ve created or do a Spotify blend loaded in the car.
I let them introduce me to new artists. Be curious and ask questions like, “Where did you first hear this song?” or “Do they have other songs you like?” can be conversation starters. Also, ask them if their friends are into the same music.
This is a subtle way to learn about their friends and some of what they get up to during the day.
High school is a time for them to try something new
Our high school has more than 50 different clubs and activities. Beyond the usual — football, band, theater — there are clubs for Bass Fishing, Women & Leadership, Filipino American Student Association, Chamber Choir, and even Paws 4 Change.
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I’ve seen teens make major changes in their extracurricular activities when they get to high school — football players doing coed cheerleading, band kids joining theater, and even a soccer star finding a passion for cooking.
Be supportive of these changes and show you’re engaged — go to the shows, run lines, cook something at home they made at school, etc.
Hopefully, they’ll find their people
When trying new things, they’ll likely meet new people, and their friends may change.
This is a time for them to find that crowd with whom they can be themselves. When they do, they’ll be more confident, comfortable, and happier.
I make sure to be supportive and get to know these new friends. I learn their names and interests and meet new parents.
You won’t see them as much
Not seeing my teens as much usually means a good thing. It means they’re being independent, exploring the world, and finding their people.
I use their constant hunger as an opportunity to sit down for meals together, put mobile phones aside, and actually connect with each other.
Try what they like to do
My youngest loves Dungeons and Dragons. Last year, we played as a family as part of a career change course I was taking.
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When playing, I saw my kids’ creativity and leadership, and we spent hours laughing and connecting as a family.
Play a game, see a show, go to a concert, see their favorite team, find out what your teen likes, and do something together. It gives you something to talk about and shows them you are engaged in their interests.
They need us to be open-minded and supportive of their post-high-school plans
Not everyone’s going Ivy League, playing Division 1 sports, or becoming a CEO.
Be curious about what they want to explore after high school. Be a safe space for conversations about the future. Be open to them taking a different path than you or what you had planned for them.
You’ll love each other, but you won’t always like each other
They may be taller than you and look like adults, but they aren’t. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, the brain doesn’t finish developing and maturing until the mid- to late 20s.
They often see the world differently than we do. I’ve had days when I felt I had nothing in common with my kid. Or we’re both having a day, and all we are doing is frustrating each other.
There will be those days, and that’s OK. Even when they are completely infuriating, always tell them you love them.
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