“We are at a pivotal moment in history. AI is not just a tool for the future, it is already reshaping our lives in profound ways.” No kidding. That’s just a couple of sentences out of an entire speech written by ChatGPT when it was asked to come up with one on AI in the style of Keir Starmer.
Much of it wasn’t a million miles away. OK, AI hasn’t yet learned Starmer’s particular gift with language. The unfortunate persistent note of regret. As if he knows he can’t help making even the most interesting subjects just a wee bit dull. What should be engaging too frequently dies on the tongue. It’s his cross to bear. Integrity he can do with ease. Enthusiasm takes a little longer.
But watch this space. AI is developing exponentially. Give it a few months and it won’t be just the speechwriters in No 10 who will be out of a job. We won’t even need Keir to deliver his own orations. Just a rather sad, slightly disconnected automated voice. We won’t know the difference.
Hard to believe, but it’s just a week since the government’s January relaunch at a hospital in Epsom. That was an attempt to set the agenda. To get us all talking about NHS reforms. That didn’t work so well as all the media – and Elon Musk – were interested in were child grooming gangs. But Starmer was not put off. This Monday morning found him in the East End of London on the UCL campus to give a speech on the government’s 50-point AI action plan. Second time lucky. Fingers crossed.
It’s been quite the journey for Keir. When Rishi Sunak organised his AI summit at Bletchley Park 18 months or so ago, Starmer was dismissive. All he could see were problems and dangers. The proliferation of disinformation. Job losses. Now, though, Keir is a changed man. AI is the future. It’s going to change our lives regardless of whether we want it or not, so we might as well try to enjoy it. All he can now see is potential. There will be no more broken promises. Just a land of growth and productivity powered by artificial intelligence.
After a crap joke about Luke Littler – it will take AI years to learn how to make totally unfunny, pointless gags – Keir began to spell out his vision. A world where there were no downsides. Potholes would learn to fix themselves. The NHS would be transformed. Patients could be diagnosed before they even knew they were ill.
No one need ever die. Eternal life was the prize on offer. Doctors would no longer be required to make interventions: they would just be available for fireside chats. Far from a depersonalised existence where the machines were in charge, we would be in a Brave New World of Pleasure. One where the computers gave us space for more human connections. The idea that doctors would be phased out of NHS budgets was a needless worry. Everyone was welcome on the AI Love Train.
All was for the best in the best of all possible worlds. If only people could drop their negativity. People wouldn’t lose jobs. They would just do different ones. We may not have the supercomputing capacity just yet, but it would spontaneously emerge. All that was needed was the faith. Brexit would bring us good tidings of great joy. Datacentres would grow from the ashes of analogue technology. No matter that neither the Tories nor Labour had said where the money would come from. Nor that the National Grid was not fit for purpose.
Keir had the fervour of the newly converted. Nothing would be too much problem. He might struggle to reconnect the internet in the No 10 flat when the router went down, but the computers of the future would rescue us all. Starting with this government. Here was the growth he had promised and he had fallen on it like a starving man. There was no other get-out-of-jail-free card on the horizon. This was shit or bust. He believed because he needed to believe. You just had to pray it was all going to turn out just fine. Hell, it’s not as if other technologies had had completely different consequences to those predicted. Was it?
The feelgood factor lasted a matter of seconds before colliding with questions from the media. How did Starmer know that AI would come up with the same answers he had? Surely there must be some downsides? Keir wasn’t having any of this. This was his day. All the data that AI needed would be ethically mined. Only a few bits of your NHS records would be harvested. This seemed optimistic. ChatGPT is powered by the heist of nearly 200,000 books. All ripped off without any payment to the authors. I should know. I’m one of them.
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Then on to the economy. Starmer’s face slumped. Couldn’t we carry on talking about AI? He liked that. He could be friends with tech bros. Even Elon. But there was no getting away from the value of the pound and the cost of borrowing. Would the fiscal rules remain in tact or would there be spending cuts? Here Keir became somewhat vague. A thumbs up to the fiscal rules but somewhat vague on cuts. Maybe AI could help out. You could always hope. Still, he did finally get round to saying he had confidence in Rachel Reeves. That’s one job that’s safe at least.
That just left a sketch to be written. John typed: “Please write me a sketch on Starmer’s AI speech in the style of John Crace.” And this is what it came up with. More meta than Meta. Try it for yourself. You’ll never know the difference. Maybe.
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