- My ex and I broke up but continued living together because I couldn’t afford to move out.
- Living together has its challenges, but it has helped us avoid spending too much money.
- A year later, we are still roommates after setting some boundaries and saving money.
“You’re still living with him?” my friend prodded during one of our weekly coffee meet-ups. Like most of my friends, she’s still puzzled about why I live with my ex even though we broke up. For the umpteenth time, she offers me one of her spare couches to crash on for a month as I figure “everything out.”
Typically, most people would dread bumping into their ex, but I’ve been living with mine out of financial necessity.
About a year ago, I broke up amicably with my boyfriend of three years. We met in college in early 2021, pursuing the same major, and began dating almost immediately. Three months later, we moved in together. Initially, we got along just fine. We both loved the outdoors, and we’d spend the weekends searching for a new hike or caving adventure.
However, as we transitioned from college students to young professionals, our individual priorities shifted. He wanted to settle down and have kids almost immediately, while I just started a new career in freelancing.
After three years of dating, we broke up to pursue our own interests.
Living together after breaking up has saved us costs
Initially, we wanted to go our separate ways after the breakup. However, we live in Nairobi, a city with one of Africa’s most expensive rent prices.
While my ex has a relatively stable full-time job, I wasn’t in a financial position to move out immediately. Due to the nature of my work, my income is pretty inconsistent, and moving out would have severely damaged my finances. Living on my own would have come with higher costs due to the “single tax” of handling rent, utilities, and groceries solo.
Once I shared my sentiments with my ex and informed him that I wanted to continue living together, he was on board with the idea.
We’ve managed to keep expenses manageable by splitting the bills, even though we’ve had to redefine our relationship.
It was hard to set boundaries, but we’ve made it work
For us, our biggest issue was setting boundaries, especially when it came to sharing the common areas and distributing chores. We’d get into petty arguments about who was to use the kitchen at what time or whose day it was to take out the trash.
My ex would also get mad if I took up too much TV time. Eventually, we came up with separate times for cooking meals. For instance, during the evenings, I have the kitchen space to myself from 6 p.m. to 8:30 p.m., while my ex has his allocated time between 8:30 p.m. and 11 p.m. We’ve also allocated separate time to watch television, and all chores are split in half.
Since we live in a two-bedroom apartment, we each have separate bedrooms with extra beds for our visitors. Whenever we want to bring a partner home, we rent out a hotel room to avoid making the other feel awkward.
I have been upfront with all my dates about my living situation. Sometimes, it can be hard for them to comprehend my motive behind this arrangement, but eventually, most of them come around.
We’ve also developed a platonic friendship
Once we lost the romantic spark, we began to see each other in a different light — not as partners but as companions who cared deeply for each other without romantic attachment.
We catch up on each other’s days like regular roommates do. My ex is comfortable offloading about his day at work to me, and I’m happy to share how my freelance work is progressing. Occasionally, we even share meals.
I have realized that I prefer my ex more as a roommate than when he was my partner. Our bond now feels like a friendship between two people who respect each other’s boundaries.
I plan to save up enough money for at least a year to enable me to move out comfortably, but I plan to make a slow and steady transition. For now, I’ve found a balance in our shared space that is both financially practical and has led to a relationship dynamic that works for us.
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