- I’m a former divorce attorney and can pick up on red flags in relationships around me.
- A little bit of competition in a relationship can be fun unless they are always one-upping you.
- Many of my clients regretted ignoring the red flags they saw in their failed relationships.
As a child of divorce, I found myself approaching every case I had as a divorce lawyer, like an amateur forensic psychologist.
I wanted to know what led to this split and if there were signs beforehand that things weren’t going to end well. We all know many of the major red flags — like gaslighting, dishonesty, or emotional, financial, and physical abuse — and I saw a lot of marriages end after such behaviors emerged.
But I became obsessed with answering one question: What signs should someone look out for before the relationship gets to that point?
I’ve noticed certain behaviors consistently predict worse things to come. Below are five subtle red flags to consider when considering whether your partner is matrimony material.
When the goal of conflict is to win, not to find a resolution
My friend’s husband was the “nice guy” everyone loved. But, I noticed that despite his “aw shucks-y” demeanor, the only solution to a conflict he accepted was getting his way. We could never just compromise on a restaurant everyone liked; it had to be the exact spot he wanted. It seemed small, but this behavior developed into bigger things. The relationship became dependent on her constant concessions, and he took advantage of this.
I saw this same behavior constantly in divorcing couples. A true partner should care more about your happiness than about getting their Star Wars-themed game room, and conflict should end with a thoughtful, fair resolution — not the same one person always compromising.
When you can’t feel your own feelings
Let’s say you discover your partner saw an ex and didn’t tell you. You share you feel hurt, but instead of discussing it, they say, “You’re overreacting. Are you really this insecure?” What they’re saying is that your feelings are uncomfortable or inconvenient for them, and they’re prioritizing their emotions by trying to make you stop.
It’s a way to shift the blame and take focus off of them, but it also suggests that the only emotional reality they’ll acknowledge is their own. This is a classic gaslighting tactic.
Explaining themselves and discussing the issue is one thing, but attacking the “correctness” of your feelings is a massive red flag.
When you are seen as competition
Competition within a relationship can be fun and healthy — as long as both sides know they’re competing.
A lively game of foosball is fine, but a partner who always needs to one-up you or tear you down is not. Keep an eye out for things like your partner rushing to talk about their work success after you share a professional victory or glazing over while you’re speaking to only come back to life once the conversation’s back on them.
A true partner wants you to flourish because they’re your teammate — not your opposition.
When it all feels transactional
Do you notice your partner tends to get sulky and withdrawn if you decline sex? Do they become engaged and cheerful only when you’re spending money on them? These patterns are indicators that your partner is not in the relationship for you but for what you can do for them.
Someone who sees a relationship as transactional is effectively dehumanizing their partner — and won’t have any difficulty kicking them to the curb if they’re not getting what they want.
This is one that can be hard to spot at the moment but feels obvious in retrospect.
Having lifestyle values that are too different
This might seem like a dully practical point — but what is a long-term relationship if not an endless parade of boring practicalities?
It may not feel like a big deal at age 25 for your partner to love blow-out Vegas weekends while you enjoy maxing out your 401(k) contributions, but at 45, that discrepancy will definitely cause tension.
I’ve seen libidinal differences alone lead to multiple divorces. Making sure your partner shares the same practical lifestyle approach may seem unromantic, but the romance payoff down the line is definitely worth it.
So many of my clients regretted ignoring these kinds of red flags. My best advice is to listen to your gut — it’s usually right and doesn’t bill by the hour.
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