I’m a wedding planner. Here are answers to 7 questions guests are often too embarrassed to ask.

• As a wedding planner, I’ve heard my fair share of questions some guests feel embarrassed to ask. 
• You shouldn’t ask to bring a plus-one unless you’re a VIP or need one for accessibility reasons.
• If you already gave the couple a wedding gift, you don’t need to bring another to the event.

Planning a wedding can be a lot of work, but attending one can also be quite stressful. 

Some bridesmaids are fed up with the high cost of participating in weddings while guests are worried about whether they can afford to attend them. On top of that, rising prices in the industry mean these celebrations cost much more than they did a few years ago and can feel as high stakes as ever. 

But I’ve been a professional wedding planner for years and find I still help clients and guests deal with the same problems year after year. While arranging well over 50 celebrations, including my own, I’ve fielded my fair share of queries, ranging from sincere and kind-hearted to bizarre and unexpected.

Here are answers to common ones I find wedding guests are too embarrassed to ask.

Is it ever OK to ask for a plus-one?

It depends, but in most situations, I say it’s best not to ask for a plus-one — even if only because the average cost to feed a single wedding guest in the US can be over $75 (and that’s before alcohol).

If you’re a VIP, like if you’re in the wedding party or performing some other kind of needed function, then it’s OK to ask — just do so with empathy and explain that you’d love a buddy for the day, if at all possible.

Use this same advice if you need a plus-one for accessibility reasons. The couple may not have realized this, and there’s no need for you to be unsafe or uncomfortable because of an honest mistake.

Do I need to give another gift to an already married couple?

In the past few years, many couples opted to start their marriage with a much smaller, more private event followed by a party at a later date. As such, some guests may be invited to celebrate a marriage they have already recognized with a gift.

In these cases, you don’t need to provide a new gift, and though a card or other memento is nice to bring to the celebration, it’s not required.

Any couple worth their salt would be aware of how you’ve supported them and the start of their marriage — if they need even more presents to know it, you might want to reconsider why you’re going to their wedding at all.

What if I can’t afford to attend someone’s wedding?

First, shake off any shame. Weddings are expensive, and you’re not a bad or unworthy person if you can’t afford to attend.

Instead, consider another way you can celebrate the start of this marriage. A private video call the morning of the ceremony, a pre- or post-wedding vacation to see the couple, and a heartfelt card are all excellent ways to honor the occasion without being there in person.

Is it OK to take videos and photos during a ceremony?

Unless the couple has told you otherwise, leave your phone alone during the ceremony.

Though it’s tempting to record what is likely a joyous occasion, chances are the couple has already paid a professional who’ll likely do a better job than you documenting the day.

Even if there isn’t a professional photographer or videographer, don’t violate the sacredness of a ceremony by accidentally having your flash go off or your phone chime.

Challenge yourself to be present with the couple. You can always take photos during the party afterward.

Can I wear white to a wedding if I’m not the one getting married?

There are so many other beautiful colors in the world that I wonder why you’d even risk this, but sure, wear white if it’s the only thing that will make you happy (or if the couple took a page out of Solange and Alan Ferguson’s book by asking guests to wear white).

That said, if one of the people getting married is wearing white — which is not always a given — do your absolute best to make sure your outfit doesn’t mirror theirs. If it does, you might just feel awkward the whole time.

Is it weird if I don’t give the couple a physical gift?

In recent years, more couples have registered for experiences or cash instead of household items. This can sometimes throw guests for a loop even though it makes sense, since many couples move in together before they get married.

When in doubt, believe the couple. Whether they offered a cash option on their registry or asked for donations to a nonprofit, they know their own minds, so respect that and give them what they asked for.

If they didn’t register, consider what you know about them, such as the kinds of things they like to do together or goals that a certain gift or financial contribution would help them achieve.

Should I be upset if I got uninvited or was never asked to attend the wedding?

No, you shouldn’t be, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t. Please do all you can in this situation to center the couple and not yourself.

In most cases, the couple didn’t ask you not to come because they don’t enjoy your company. There may be constraints at play, including legally mandated headcounts or budget cuts that meant they had to choose to host VIPs over inviting more guests.

That said, more intentional guest lists have huge benefits for couples, vendors, and even attendees. Not only are the people gathered the ones most likely to create a joyous occasion, but also there’s a chance they’re going to eat a heck of a lot better because the couple can actually afford to feed them.

This story was originally published on June 2, 2021, and most recently updated on October 11, 2024.