- I married shortly after turning 18 and graduating from high school.
- We were divorced two years later, and my ex re-married shortly after.
- My ex-husband’s wife raised our son with us; she is as much his mother as I am.
If someone had told me 35 years ago that my ex-husband’s wife and I would be besties today I might’ve rolled on the floor laughing. Jokes aside, we’ve literally grown up together, and it’s been quite a ride.
I’d just graduated from high school, turned 18 the month before marrying, and was divorced within two years. Kathy entered the picture a short while later and became an instant mom to our then 4-year-old son, Bryant when she married my ex. Soon enough, they were expecting a baby of their own.
I refer to Bryant as “our” son because what I know after all these years and all of the good, bad, and ugly we’ve shared, Kathy is as much his mother as I am.
I wasn’t a great teen mom
As a teen mom, I wasn’t winning any parenting awards. It wasn’t because of a lack of love for our son. It was a lack of maturity and selflessness required to be a good mom. I know I made Kathy angry, not to mention the disappointment Bryant felt when I would flake on my scheduled weekends. No matter how much time has passed, I know this still affects him today.
I was in my reverse adolescence era. Living in California at the time, I recall a specific occasion when it was pouring rain — a South California rarity. I was terrified to make the about 60-mile drive from my apartment to theirs. I set out in my trusty Subaru station wagon, and within 10 minutes of being on the slippery I-10 freeway, I turned back. I couldn’t do it.
I don’t remember the exact words, but I do remember the upset and sadness it caused. I could cry thinking about my little boy waiting for me, ready to go, only to have me call and say I wasn’t coming.
There were squabbles and even a child support hearing. In the State of California, I was, and rightfully so, required to pay child support regardless of my negative debt ratio status. These were not easy times for me and I know they were stressful for Kathy as a new wife and mom who also worked full time.
We started to agree on things related to our son
When Bryant was around 8 years old, they moved to Florida, and I let him go with them. They were a family unit, and I felt it was for the best.
The years came and went, and Bryant spent summers and spring breaks with me. By the time he was a teenager, we found ourselves agreeing about our concerns over too much freedom. My ex, a brilliant-minded guy who holds degrees in electrical engineering and law, was a free-range kid. He thought Bryant should grow up the same way.
Kathy and I were the worriers.
When it became clear Bryant had a serious drug problem in his late teens, we would share whatever information we had. There were times he’d be MIA for weeks, and just as we were wondering if he might be dead, he’d call.
By this time, I’d remarried and was living in New Jersey with two young daughters. Kathy and I cried over the phone and made ourselves sick, wondering what to do. We had differing opinions on this — there was talk of sending Bryant to rehab, which I strongly felt would be a waste of money because he wasn’t ready.
And then, a miracle of sorts. Bryant began a new relationship and the great course correction of his life. It was incredible for Kathy and me as moms to witness, and the journey was not without setbacks.
We became close friends
By his wedding in 2018, Kathy and I had become closer. It was a joyous experience that was, I believe, the beginning of us truly getting to know each other — something we’d never had a real chance to do.
Before I knew it, Kathy and my ex were inviting my family and me to not only come and visit but stay at their home. When we finally took them up on it, it felt more like a family reunion in the least awkward way. I mean, we’d known each other for all of our adult lives at this point.
When our first grandchild was born in 2020, we became Nonna and Grammy J, or as we refer to ourselves, “Glammas.” During more frequent visits, my conversations with Kathy grew deeper. We learned things about our family histories and upbringing we’d never known. So much of this was mutually revelatory and brought us both to a greater understanding and appreciation of one another.
Today, Kathy is not only one of my closest friends but also a confidant and someone I’m forever grateful for. She includes me in dinners with her women’s group, and they marvel at our friendship.
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