“Do you have an open marriage?” Perplexed by my coworker’s question, I responded with a blank stare. “You’re always solo traveling, but you’re married. Do you have an open marriage?” he asked again.
If you look at my social media, you will see that I have frequently solo traveled throughout my 12-year marriage. I’ve hiked through Patagonia, slept in a treehouse in the Amazon in Peru, rode elephants in Jaipur, India, and taken a road trip in a motorcycle sidecar from Beijing to the Great Wall of China.
Whenever I share these travel stories, it’s only a matter of time before someone inquires, “Did your husband go with you?” While solo travel is seen as unconventional for most long-term relationships, it has established trust, a greater sense of self, and strengthened the strong bond between my husband and me.
Solo travel is my secret to a healthy marriage.
Maintaining a sense of autonomy in our relationship
In 2010, I was a broke college student who was determined to travel as much as financially possible using my hard-earned tips from a bartending gig. That year, I decided to visit a place that had long been on my travel list: San Francisco.
The timing of the trip wasn’t great. As a student, I could only manage to travel during the December holidays, which are among the most expensive times to travel. As I began to consider canceling my trip, a friend of mine encouraged me to try CouchSurfing.
The following week, I found myself at the corner of 18th Street and Lexington in San Francisco’s Mission District to meet my Couchsurfing host, Matt. I never would have guessed that 16 months after meeting, we’d be married.
Throughout our relationship, we have always recognized that we have dreams as a couple, but we also have individual dreams that shouldn’t be put on the back burner. Those individual dreams give us a sense of joy and personal accomplishment that enables us to be our best selves within our relationship. Maintaining this sense of autonomy within our marriage has helped us to avoid any resentment.
I needed to prioritize self-care
In the years that followed our 2012 wedding, life could best be described as often being very busy and loud.
I worked in television for five years and co-own a summer camp with my husband. My phone had become my constant companion; the sounds of its rings and constant pings were the soundtrack of daily life.
Solo travel allows me to slow down and remove the power that life’s demands can have. I often travel to remote places that have limited access to Wi-Fi or cell service, so I’m forced to unplug from the world.
When I travel solo, I am forced to sit with myself and examine things that are boiling under the surface. In 2022, I took solitude in Peru’s Amazon rainforest. I used this time to dissect the deep unhappiness I had been experiencing and realized my job was eating me alive. I return from my solo travels relaxed, grounded, and in tune with what I want out of life — leading me to be my authentic self and creating a deeper connection with my husband.
Spending time apart reminds me of why we married
The old saying is true, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” As co-owners of a summer camp, our relationship is intertwined personally and professionally. It’s easy to lose sight of your partnership’s romantic side when managing a business together.
Spending time apart reminds us of the reasons we got together in the first place and the qualities each of us brings to our relationship. Missing each other is good for the heart — those butterflies from your dating days begin to flutter again.
It could also be said that we have both developed new love languages thanks to solo travel; it has created new ways for us to connect. My travels give me new stories to share with my husband, and I often return home to letters he has written to me while I’ve been away. I’m always sure to find some international delicacies to bring home to my husband, who is a big foodie — hot sauces from Colombia, ramen noodles kits from Japan, and coffee from Guatemala.
When I say solo travel has changed my life, I mean it literally. A chance encounter that led to marriage would have never happened if I had chickened out on that winter day in 2010 and not shown up at those San Francisco cross streets.
Doing things that social conventions frown upon has led to a life of continued self-growth and mindfulness and, in turn, a kind of deep happiness that makes you pinch yourself. Rather than fend off questions like my coworker’s, I smile to myself because solo travel is my secret to a happy marriage.
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