This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Clayton Keller, a 32-year-old stay-at-home dad and professor from Virginia. It’s been edited for length and clarity.
My wife quit her job as an underwriter at an insurance company to be a stay-at-home mom when our first child, our son, was about six months old. For two years, that arrangement sustained us. I worked four days a week at a local government job, which gave us three full days dedicated to family time. However, I was feeling increasingly unfulfilled in my career and craving change.
A few months after our daughter was born earlier this year, my wife came to me with the idea of a swap: she’d return to remote work and I’d quit my job to stay home with the kids. The arrangement would allow both of us to be home and spend more time as a family unit.
I jumped at the opportunity.
It’s only been a few weeks since we made the switch, and I couldn’t imagine a more rewarding job. I love caring for my little ones and giving them a solid male figure, but I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ll never be able to nurture my kids like my wife.
My wife pitched the idea of me being a stay-at-home dad
When we had our daughter earlier this year, having two kids around the house drove my wife stir-crazy, and she wanted to be around adults. She came across a job opening at her previous workplace and saw an opportunity to reenter the workforce. So, she asked if I’d be interested in quitting my job to care for the kids while she went back to work, and I said yes.
I had previously expressed interest in being the primary caretaker, so I honestly had no hesitations about becoming a stay-at-home dad.
All of the pieces fell into place rather quickly. My wife’s old company took her back, and I quit my government job but kept my part-time professor role to make some extra cash and have my time with adults, as well. Because of her remote job, my wife can watch the kids when I teach my classes twice a week. Our decision wasn’t financially driven but we luckily broke even with our previous income.
We were nervous to tell people
My wife and I were nervous about telling people about our new arrangement because we had no idea what the response would be. I grew up in a conservative environment in which the norm was the father worked while the mother stayed home. I expected at least a bit of pushback, but we’ve received nothing but immense support from friends, family, and coworkers.
Beyond that, I’ve had many friends who are fathers come up to me saying they wish they could be stay-at-home dads and jokingly ask me to talk to their wives for them.
The positive response is bittersweet because I question if my wife would’ve received the same support. When she stopped working after our first baby was born, people reacted as though that was expected of her. It’s unfortunate that I’m being praised for something women often perform thanklessly.
I’m more relaxed but more exhausted
It’s only been a few weeks since I became a stay-at-home dad and my life has already changed drastically.
Ironically, I wake up earlier than ever before. My daughter is still just a baby, so a lot of my daily energy goes toward my toddler son. He gets up at about 5:30 a.m., plays for an hour or two, eats breakfast, and then we try to go to the park if the weather is nice. I’ll make him lunch, put him down for a midday nap, and plan some sort of activity for the afternoon before a bath, dinner, and bed. Throughout the day, I’m mindful of making sure I’m feeding, napping, and changing diapers for the little one.
My lifestyle is significantly more relaxed than when I had a full-time job because I’m no longer juggling the stressors of local government, but I end the day much more exhausted, which I didn’t anticipate. The emotional drain is by far the hardest part because one minute, the kids are as happy as can be, and the next minute they’re screaming bloody murder. It’s a roller coaster that I can never quite keep up with.
I’ll never be able to nurture my kids the way my wife can
It’s also been tough realizing my wife has a “woman’s touch” I’ll never be able to replicate. She has this innate ability to be kind and gentle with others, particularly children. She interacts with our kids in such a uniquely sweet and tender way I’m sure I could never recreate. She hugs them tight, tells them she loves them, and smothers them with kisses.
I’m a loving father, but I tend to show my love differently. I rough-and-tumble with my son, take him to the park, and make sure he has everything he needs. I want to give him and my daughter a good male role model to look up to. I’ve realized that my wife’s love language is physical touch, while mine is quality time. It’s not to say I can’t be affectionate or my wife doesn’t spend time with the kids, but we innately express ourselves differently and must actively choose to show love in other ways.
My wife and I have a partnership
Now that my wife is working again, I’m taking on more household responsibilities like cooking and most of the cleaning, but because her job is remote, she’ll jump in and help when she has a break. We have a partnership and we help each other fill in the gaps.
As of now, we’re just enjoying being together more. My wife and I are thinking of starting a social enterprise business together one day and are using this as a litmus test to see how we do when we’re around each other all the time. It’s easy to get along with someone when one person is away 40 hours a week, but it’s a different story when you’re both in the house most hours of the day.
I’m excited to see where this next chapter takes us and I certainly have no regrets about becoming a stay-at-home dad.
If you’re a stay-at-home dad and would like to share your experience, email Tess Martinelli at tmartinelli@businessinsider.com.
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