This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Maggie Zheng, a 26-year-old from Arizona who works for a tech startup. It’s been edited for length and clarity.
There’s a saying about dating that definitely applies to men in tech: ‘The odds are good, but the goods are odd.’
While it’s difficult and unfair to generalize an entire group of people, my experience dating tech bros certainly matches the phrase.
Until meeting my fiancé two years ago, I dated several folks in tech and noticed similar patterns and eccentricities among them. Many people in tech seem to approach relationships like a work project, not a partnership. They can also become so goal-oriented that they fail to recognize the emotions of their significant other.
However, that same dedication and target-oriented behavior can make for a thoughtful and creative partner. I’ve learned a lot from my peers about how to apply a tech mindset to my relationship in a healthy way. My fiancé and I now have quarterly relationship meetings and set goals using corporate jargon. It’s a way for us to stay on track and prove our commitment to one another.
People in tech seem to run their relationships like a project
I’ve been working in tech for four years including two years as a fundraising director at a startup, and I’ve noticed that the industry attracts a certain type of person.
The majority of people I’ve met professionally were high achievers at notable colleges. They’re ambitious, objective, and unendingly driven to achieve their goals. This dedication to self-growth often extends into their personal lives, with many of them taking on challenging hobbies like running, rock climbing, and robotics.
Their approach to dating is no different. A lot of high-achievers fall into the trap of treating their relationships like a project that needs to be organized for optimization.
Two of my tech friends who are in a relationship together plan their free days in a shared Excel spreadsheet, mapping out little moments together months in advance.
I once went on a date with a guy who called me after to ask why things didn’t go further between us. He wanted to discuss who made which mistake and what specific fallacies led to deficits in our interaction. He was unemotional, as though he was trying to solve a problem he didn’t understand.
Tech bros don’t always get social cues
There’s also this trope that tech bros have a low EQ and aren’t very emotionally mature. To some degree, I think that’s true. Qualities that make you a good tech employee — or in my experience, startup employee — might make you a bad partner.
To work at a startup, you must have an unwavering belief in your idea and persist beyond all the no’s you’re bound to receive. It takes a certain amount of delusion to believe that your idea is the next billion-dollar business.
It’s difficult to shut off that level of persistence and delusion when dating.
I once went on a dinner date with this guy, and it was getting pretty late. He suggested we continue the night by bar-hopping but I told him I was tired.
I thought it was a clear cue that I was ready to go home, but instead, he insisted, ‘Let’s buy you a Red Bull. You’ll be less tired and we can keep going.“
I went along with it for the night but realized I had to be super direct with communication if I wanted to be heard. I never reached out to him again.
Tech people can make very thoughtful partners
But their drive to get what they want means that tech people can be incredibly passionate and innovative when they find a partner they care about.
A friend recently told me about his elaborate and highly scheduled plan for his partner’s birthday. He rented equipment for a beach day which led to a golden hour photoshoot and candlelit dinner.
Another friend surprised his girlfriend with a custom NFT, and another created an app that allows you to share pictures that’ll live as a widget on your partner’s phone. He initially made it to ease the pains of his long-distance relationship, but he’s now building it into an app for public use.
My fiance and I both use our tech mindset to help our relationship
I’ve taken notes from my peers and even started applying them to my relationship.
My fiancé and I are both in tech, so when we started dating we set relationship goals which we jokingly called OKRs — objectives and key results. It’s a common goal-setting framework used in the tech space to establish objective and measurable goals.
We used them to decide the relationship milestones we needed to hit before considering marriage. They were pretty normal things like meeting each other’s parents and going on vacations, but applying a tech mindset helped us feel confident, structured, and on the same page.
We have quarterly planning meetings to check in on our progress, which might seem silly to non-tech people, but we’re just applying corporate jargon to the act of being thoughtful and purposeful. And, I’d say it worked — we’re getting married next week.
Dating in tech isn’t always easy, but when you find the right person, you can utilize your tech-oriented mind to set your relationship up for success.
If you have a unique experience dating in your respective industry, please email Tess Martinelli at tmartinelli@businessinsider.com
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