“You don’t look gay” is something I hear often. In queer terms, I present as “femme” since I choose to wear my hair long and clothes that society associates with being feminine.
These antiquated gender standards result in folks wrongfully presuming my sexuality simply based on their preconceived notions about my appearance.
I’m mistakenly labeled as straight daily, which makes me feel invisible. The emotional labor of clarifying I’m pansexual and am attracted to people — not gender — takes a toll on my mental health and makes me feel like my sexuality is invalid.
The effects of constantly coming out
Straight-passing women being wrongfully perceived as straight can be as simple as a gynecologist presuming you have a boyfriend rather than a sexual partner — or a hotel assuming a double occupancy room is for you and a man. Coming out is an ongoing process.
“Every new interaction brings the question of whether to disclose one’s queer identity. It’s exhausting and laborious to come out again and again,” Marissa Moore, a counselor who specializes in the LGBTQIA+ community, told me.
I prefer to find a way to mention my sexuality naturally in a conversation rather than making it a big ordeal.
Presuming someone’s sexuality reinforces harmful stereotypes.
“Being perceived as straight isn’t a minor inconvenience; it’s a significant emotional burden,” Moore said. “The misalignment between one’s identity and how others perceive them can lead to self-doubt, confusion, and feeling invalidated, which can hinder their ability to fully express themselves.”
But there are some benefits to being straight-passing
Being straight-presenting is a double-edged sword. It protects me from discrimination but also makes my queer identity invisible. While there’s an undue burden to being straight-passing, it’s also a huge privilege.
Being perceived as heterosexual protects me when I’m traveling to places where it’s illegal to be homosexual. It’s easier for me to go back into the closet when I travel — even though it takes a toll on my well-being to hide who I am.
I also feel a sense of guilt for having the privilege of being able to pass as straight, which many LGBTQ+ people cannot do.
I’m trying to make subtle changes to appear more queer
There’s a wide spectrum of how women-loving-women present themselves — from butch lesbians who prefer more masculine attire and hairstyles to lipstick lesbians that embody a femme appearance like myself.
Some women-loving-women present signals understood by the queer community to designate an attraction to women, such as undercuts, masculine clothes, and the lesbian manicure where two nails are kept short.
Still, you can embody all of that and still be perceived as straight.
I’ve tried to make my appearance more queer in ways that feel genuine to me by using rainbow pride nail art and thumb rings. I’ve turned to body modification and have the gay equality symbol tattooed on my ear, a tattoo of rainbow-colored dots on my wrists, and a septum piercing.
Still, people presume I’m straight. It’s extremely tiring to come out and to constantly ensure my identity is acknowledged.
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