- When I was pregnant, a childcare director recommended I take as much leave as possible.
- I had four months of paid leave and negotiated two more months of unpaid leave.
- My days were long and lonely, and I was stressed about our finances.
I was expecting my first child, just starting my second trimester, when I received the advice.
I was chatting on the phone with a local childcare director, inquiring about infant openings at her center and signing up for the waitlist. She told me to take as much parental leave as I could and that I would never regret doing so.
Her advice surprised me since her center offered spaces for infants as young as six weeks. Yet, as we talked, I learned her counsel stemmed from her feelings as a mother herself more so than her role as the center’s director.
I followed her advice and regretted it.
I mixed paid and unpaid leave
I had better-than-average vacation and disability policies where I worked, so I could take more than six weeks off after my baby arrived. The friends I knew who were already mothers advised me to take longer than the six or 12 weeks they had taken.
So, I arranged to take as much leave as I could. I combined my disability, short-term sick pay, and accrued vacation time, some of which would run concurrently with my FMLA leave, for about four months of paid leave. Then, I negotiated that I’d return to work after an additional two months off unpaid while paying out-of-pocket for my family’s healthcare coverage through COBRA.
It was a lot to organize and set up, but I wanted to take as much leave as I could.
I was lonely
The first few months after my son was born were a blur. I had many breastfeeding issues and struggled to overcome them while my body recovered from giving birth. The lack of sleep was challenging and stressful, too, as most new parents know. I was in awe of mothers who could — or had to — go back to work at six weeks.
As I entered the third month of leave, my baby started to gain weight, and I gained confidence in my ability to feed him. Yet my days were long and lonely. My husband had gone back to work after the first week, and I didn’t have any family nearby since we had just moved to the area a few years earlier. Most of my friends were coworkers that I no longer saw daily.
I ventured out into my community, joining playgroups and taking infant classes. But some were expensive. Or they lasted only an hour or two each week, which was not enough time for me to develop true friendships with other caregivers.
I felt guilty that I had a lengthy leave that so many other parents would have coveted. I thought I should be fueled by love and appreciation for this time with my baby. But while I felt intense love for my child, most days, I was lonely and exhausted by new motherhood.
I stressed about our finances
The last couple of months of my leave presented financial stress on top of my feelings of isolation. Now, I had no income and was paying a substantial amount out of pocket to ensure my family’s benefits continued until I went back to work.
As I navigated that first day back, which turned into the first week and then the first month, I was struck by how stimulated and happy I felt. My loneliness melted away as I was not only surrounded by co-workers but also supported in parenting by the teachers and other parents I started developing relationships with at the daycare center.
When I had my second child three years later, I did not take all the time that I could. I took four months, which was just right for me. I had a couple of months to physically recover and adjust to life with a newborn, plus a couple more months to bond with my baby. This time I surrounded myself with the mom friends I’d made in the last three years and I was more confident in my parenting abilities.
My mental health was better during a four-month leave versus six. I think it was the best amount of leave, as opposed to the most amount of leave, for me and my family.
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