I was seated across from a tall Spaniard dressed in black jeans and a checkered shirt. We’d “met” a few nights before on a dating app, and I was doing my best to keep the conversation flowing. It wasn’t.
Spanish indie pop was blasting, which made keeping the conversation going even harder. I asked him about himself and his background, and in between the loud music, I thought I heard him say that he lived with his parents and younger siblings in the suburbs. I found that a bit unusual, considering he was in his mid-thirties.
We ordered several small plates to share, and at the end of our meal, he asked the waitress to split the bill in two and proceeded to tap his card to cover his share. He then waited for me to do the same.
Once outside, he declared that we should go to a trendy club nearby and grabbed my hand to lead the way. I hadn’t been clubbing in years and wasn’t particularly up for it, but felt awkward cutting the date short as we’d barely had a chance to talk.
We didn’t go out together again.
I quickly learned that splitting the tab on dates is normal in Spain
Before Spain, I had been living in Australia with an American roommate. It was 2013, a year after the launch of Tinder. Being from Mexico City, I was unfamiliar with American dating culture, so she coached me through my first few dates.
One piece of advice she passed along was to take note if a guy didn’t pay for you on the first date: It’s a guy’s way of letting you know that he’s not interested in you romantically, she warned.
I moved to Valencia two and a half years ago and quickly realized that it’s common here for men to split the tab on dates. My local friends assured me they were having the same experience, so I didn’t get offended or think they didn’t like me.
It could be due to low wages in Spain. In Valencia, the average salary is 1,665 Euros a month, or $1,800, according to the real estate website Idealista. Australia’s average is almost double, at 7,427 Australian dollars, or $4,800, according to the tracking app TimeCamp.
Lower wages are one reason why it’s common to run into guys still living with their parents in their 30s, but it’s not the only reason. I’ve had friends move back home to save for a house deposit and have also met men in their 40s living with their parents following a divorce.
Finding things in common was a challenge
Being from Mexico, language wasn’t an issue for me, but I did find it hard to find things in common with men. At the time, I found that everyone in Spain used Tinder — there was hardly anyone to match with on the other apps. I also noticed that most men didn’t fill out their profiles, which made it hard to see if we had common interests.
The singles I met early on in Spain seemed mostly interested in clubbing and attending music festivals. This is something I loved at one point in my life too, but not anymore. I was used to going out to restaurants and cocktail bars in both Mexico and Australia, but it’d been years since I spent the whole night out partying.
In Spain, I see people in their 30s, 40s, and above at clubs. I learned that the divorce rate is the second highest in Europe at 86% according to Statista, only surpassed by Portugal, which might explain why there are so many singles out partying.
I came up with strict parameters and finally met the one
Six months into living in Spain, I was getting frustrated with the dating scene. I didn’t want to go clubbing every weekend to meet someone and found that the conversations on Tinder dried up quickly.
I decided to make a list of what I wanted in a partner. It included things like “must be happy with his life” and “needs to have time to travel with me.” I even got specific by adding things like “ideally has a master’s degree.”
Within a couple of days, a tall Valencian with a great sense of humor started talking to me. We haven’t stopped talking since.
For our first date, he took me to a place specializing in cheese, and as a cheese lover, that sealed the deal. He didn’t pick up the tab, but he lived by himself and confided that he was sick of the clubbing scene.
Two years in, we’re buying an apartment together, and I’m excited about our future.
Got a personal essay about living abroad that you want to share? Get in touch with the editor: akarplus@businessinsider.com.
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